Saturday, September 22, 2007


I've learned how to crochet! My mom taught me over the course of the several hours we waited for Carly to go into labor. I'm hooked now (no pun intended) and already went out and bought nice yarn at the craft store. You're all getting scarves this Christmas. I'm totally serious. I'll be broke after I quit my job, so whether you live in Florida or fucking Alaska, you're getting scarves. Brace yourselves.

A few people have asked me how our anniversary dinner went (especially after my rant a few days ago) and it dawned on me that I got so caught up in baby stuff that I forgot to write about it. Dinner was fantastic. We were actually the only people there. This little place has live music just about every night and the owner explained that most people show up later on to eat while the live act is playing.

The menu at this place is huge. I think it was something like six very full pages long. Mostly vegetarian options, but they had a few meat choices too (turkey and ham only). The owner mentioned that he had to add a few meat dishes because people would come in, sit down, look at the menu and then get up and leave because of the meatless entrees. Now people are starting to understand what vegetarians go through in every single restaurant in the friggin' world! Most places we visit have, like, one or two options on the whole menu that I can choose from and one of them is usually a salad. Shit, I can make myself a salad at home. And salad isn't one of those things that just tastes better when someone else makes it for you. Salad is salad.

Anyway, I went back and forth between "The Adirondack" and the Pierogies and Roasted Veggies. The Adirondack is a sandwich with New York apples, New York sharp cheddar cheese, raw red onion slices and horseradish mayo. Something about that sounds incredible to me and I thought I was going to order it right up until I got to the restaurant. But let's face it, I'm a pierogi girl and I always will be. The man buys the pierogies from some local Polish pierogi lady and he swears by them, so I was sold. Ben got some too. His came with veggies and ham, too. Amazing. Certainly not better than my grandmother's pierogies, but they were fantastic. I think I'll give that sandwich a try at home, too. The recipe sounds easy enough to recreate. Anyway, we spent a whopping total of $23 including dinner, tax and tip. I'm a cheap date, what can I say? Oh and afterward, we hung out at Toys 'R Us for a while picking out presents for a little man about to turn 7, and then scoping out stuffs at a cigar spot.

In baby news, Carly and Lola came home from the hospital yesterday and they're getting settled in. I talked with her three or four times yesterday and she sounds bored. She told me to come over whenever because she'd be "on the couch all weekend with a baby sucking on her boobies." Classy and oh so eloquent. I'm so happy for her. Their little family is adorable and they all seem so perfect for each other.

I'll totally admit that when I was sitting in that hospital I felt that weird little twinge of baby fever. Once I hit 30 I realized exactly what people were talking about when they complained about their biological clock ticking. I always knew that one existed, but I never knew how severe it really was. Man, this sucks. It's almost like an actual craving (of the incredibly strong variety). Like, part of your body is screaming at you to get pregnant, and I can see where most women would follow that instinct and get knocked up. My head, though, overpowers that ticking clock and reminds it that the romantic aspect of getting pregnant only lasts for a short while and then reality kicks in.

Sitting in the hospital waiting room and thinking of having that little baby look up at you and smile melted my heart for a brief second and then I was interrupted by some little kid wailing in the hallway because his parents wouldn't let him have candy from the vending machine. He had a horrible temper tantrum, stomping feet with a flushed face and all, and his father literally had to drag him away. I love how my thoughts somehow materialize right in front of my very eyes as a reminder to get my head out of the clouds. Wow.

The worst part about being a thirty-something sans kids is the guilt people put on you for choosing to stay child-free. I've been scolded and made to feel like a worthless piece of shit on numerous occasions, not to mention the begging, pleading and overly obvious hinting on behalf of my parents. For a short period of time I actually considered having a baby just so that my grandparents would be able to meet him or her before they died. How twisted is that? Having babies is actually expected of you in this day and age and that saddens me. The survival of the human race doesn't depend on having more babies anymore. It depends on securing the future of the planet we need to survive.

I don't have a lot of reasons why I don't want children. I won't go into the obvious rant about the overpopulation of the world and the impact on the environment. I won't go into the obvious rant about all of the unwanted babies in the world and how sick and twisted it is that people wouldn't just adopt them. And I also won't go into the obvious rant about how many people have babies because it's simply the next step in their lives, never once considering how much their lives will change, and then proceed to hold it against their children until they die. Hell, even when I have mentioned that I thought about having one, but I only want ONE, I was told that I'm cruel because it's unfair to raise a single child without siblings. See, you can't win.

No, my main reason why I don't want kids is just that: I don't want kids. I've had every person tell me that I'd be a good mother, but I doubt it. I'm too selfish and impatient to have kids. I've seen what having kids does to your marriage or relationship and I don't want that to happen to me and Ben. I close my eyes and think about my future and a child is never in it. I see myself growing old in our little house, nursing my business and spending the money that would have been set aside for a college education on a kick ass nursing home for the two of us. I'm at the point where I'm used to being treated like a leper when people ask me when I'm going to have them and I tell them never. It's okay. I'm content in knowing that I had the ability to think ahead and know what's right for me instead of doing it simply because I already had the wedding and the house, so this is what comes next. Nah, I'll just take my niece and my sort-of nephew and spoil the shit out of them. You know, load 'em up with sugar and junk and noisy toys and send 'em home. That's what the cool aunt does, right?

So, that's the story. I plan to spend my childless weekend watching my friend James shoot footage for a music video. They've got a whole crew coming in to create zombie makeup and from what I've seen so far it kicks ass. He asked me to come along and take some pictures for him. I can't wait!!!!!!!

1 comment:

Elisabeth said...

Yay for learning to crochet! Good for you! I learned a couple years ago (strangely enough I was taught by that jerk Kelley before I got him fired) but didn't really become proficient until recently. I bet you'll be whipping out amigurumi for baby Lola in no time! Speaking of the little angel, did you receive the package I mailed you? Here's hoping that she and Carly will enjoy what I sent. ^^

Regarding being child-free and peoples' attitudes about that...don't feel bad. It wouldn't make a difference if you DID have a baby. I had never planned to have a child because, like you, I never thought I would be a good parent (and let's just say that I'm not exactly up for Mother of the Year any time soon u_u). So once I had D, I knew that was it, I was finished. People harrass me CONSTANTLY about this. My family mainly leaves me alone with the occasional exception of mum (I think the thought of me having another baby frankly terrifies them since they think I am such a rotten mum already). But people I work with and friends? Jeez...they never let up. When Kathy was trying to get preggers she pressured me pretty much daily to get knocked up so we could go through it together. This baby will be her third and she still wants more after that. That is so far from what I want for my life that it's not even funny. In fact, Adam and I keep thinking about how D will be 18 in less than 7 years and that we will still be young then (he 35 and I 38) and be able to do a lot of the things we haven't been able to do so far. We are really looking forward to the freedom, so there is no way we want another baby. Maybe when I am a lot older I would want to adopt, but having another of my own is definitely out of the question. But yeah, I do get harrassed often. I can't believe the audacity of people...suggesting I am a bad wife and depriving Adam of the experience (which is not one that he craves), suggesting that I am depriving D of having a sibling (she would just be jealous more than anything else, I know her well), depriving my mum of having more grandchildren (isn't D enough??). Rude, rude, rude. Anyway, don't let anyone make you feel bad! It's your life after all. :)