Wednesday, September 26, 2007


I have so, so many thoughts running through my head today and I'm having a tough time concentrating on just one thing. Work (what's left of it anyway) is downright unbearable these days. I feel incredibly volatile. I have such a small amount of patience for people and certain situations and I'm really holding back from just hauling off and smacking someone. I'm not normally a violent person. It takes a lot to get me to the point where I actually want to inflict pain or harm on another person, and I can recall one or two times in my 30 years of existence where I've actually gotten to that point. But I walk through these doors and instantly any bit of patience or kindness I might have stored up for the day is gone in a split second and I feel like I might snap. I need to get out.

I'm trying not to be a whiny little snot, really.

Corporate America blows. It's not my playground, that's for sure. I have no idea who supplied the crack I was apparently smoking when I decided to take this job for a short period of time for some extra pocket money. You get sucked in. Somehow I went from being an art student fresh out of college and inspired by just about everything, to working a dead-end job with a company I hate and people I despise, but making more money than I'd ever seen in my entire life. Money won the battle even though I swore up and down that I'd never sell out for money. I hate myself for being here so long. I hate what I’ve become and I hate what I’ve allowed this place to do to me. I've stepped on so many people and done so many things I'm not proud of just to hold on here a little longer. It makes me sick to think about it.

So, I'm letting go. After nine very long and life-sucking years I'm letting go. It’s just starting to hit me now. I'm so excited and downright petrified all at the same time and I feel myself pulling in a million different directions. I wake up in the morning and go through the usual routine (pee, brush teeth, shower, dress, put face on, comb hair, check e-mail, drive to work) and this morning it dawned on me that soon I won’t have to do this anymore. It scares the shit out of me, but it’s a thrill at the same time. I feel justified. Above all, though, I feel like for the first time in a long time I'm doing the right thing. Marrying Ben was the first decision I've made that truly made sense to me. This is the second. We may be facing long months where we're stuck eating nothing but PB&J sandwiches and egg noodles and cancelling cable, but I'll be happy. Ben is a godsend for sticking by and supporting me while I make such a life altering decision and I will owe him forever because of it.

I’m sorry to vent like this, but I guess that’s what blogs are for, right? I promise that I won’t do this again. I’ll talk about something interesting next time, I swear. Like, the Pumpkin Bread I plan to make after work tonight. I think I'll pop in "The Tain" by The Decemberists, preheat my oven and just enjoy the simplicity of baking.
And if that doesn't work, I need to find some Valium.

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